Hi everyone - I have a question for any of you that have either had kids or will have one soon.
I have been really stressing (most likely unnecessarily) about having all of our family come visit when Addy is born. I don't really want everyone here at once because I want everyone to have their own time with her and I don't want to be overwhelmed. But, I also don't really want to have company back to back for a month either since I know its important to settle into our own routine. With 3 sets of parents that this is the first grandbaby for all of them it is becoming a challenge, especially because everyone wants to come as soon as she is born. I'm glad they all want to come to celebrate with us, it's just making me a little anxious.
I have requested that no one actually stay with us since we don't have a lot of space and that way everyone has a place to go if they need to. I'm sure Josh's mom and my mom will sleep at the house a few nights to help in the middle of the night if I need them to though.
So my questions are really: am I worrying about this for no reason? What did you do or have you thought of that was helpful?
I am sure that I have absolutely no idea what the transition will really be like and I am ok with that, I'm just nervous about it too. I know that with my personality I will want to make sure everyone else is ok but I really don't want to be worrying about that with a new baby. Thanks for your help!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Baby Question
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8 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from. Even though I'm not preggo, it's something I still think about sometimes. I know I'm going to struggle with balancing being polite & grateful and being exhausted & overwhelmed. I hope you get some good advice on this one! Can't wait to see this sweet little girl!!
I understand completely. When Emma was born, everyone wanted to be there. She was also a first. The first 36 hours of her life all the grandparents were there, we asked that only 2 other people be in the hospital room with us at a time. All grandparents (and other family) were really good at taking turns. It gave them more time with her and also helped us have some sanity and allowed us to get some rest. Once we went home, my mom stayed to help me adjust for about a week. When other family members were around, I found it helpful to give them small "tasks" to do so they weren't just sitting there making me feel like I needed to entertain them. For example, my dad was great at going to the store (b/c I couldn't), etc. After my mom left and the rest of the family went home after she was born, we really encouraged visits on the weekends (sometimes like a Thursday - Sunday or a long weekend) so that we could have a 'normal' life during the week. It will be fine. I know you'll be a great momma!
I actually think it is something really important to think through and I'm doing the same right now. While you don't know what you will want or need at the moment, you can know what you don't want and that is a good place to start. Depending on your relationship with the grandparents, it may be good to tell them you are thinking through what you will need and want so it isn't a surprise if you say, no visitors for _____ amount of time or only at these times.
Yes it is hard to know for sure how you will feel when your little girl actually arrives. But it is still good to be thinking about it now. And the fact that you have already drawn some boundaries means everyone understands you are in charge. That would be my biggest piece of advice. Speak up and tell people what you want. This is one time you don't have to worry about other people's feelings. They love you and Josh and they will love your little girl, so they will get over it if you step on any toes. You will have just been through the biggest physical and emotional moment of your life and you have to put the three of you first.
My parents came right away but I knew it would be fine because I can tell my mom to back off and it won't hurt her feelings. I bawled when she left.
I just now saw this post and wanted you to know that I have been thinking about this same thing for a while now. I debate about people coming as soon as she's born, how soon they will be allowed to meet/hold her, worry about where everyone is going to stay, worry about what order everyone is going to hold her, etc... It's running me down though. I have concluded that I need to think about things, but don't necessarily have to have a plan until she arrives. I have no clue how I will feel at that time and don't want to make any rash decisions. Right now I want to be selfish, but that could be very different later. I was reading on BabyCenter.com about what other people thought and one lady made a really good point. She said she wished her and her husband had held off on letting everyone in for a few hours so that they could have greeted their child properly like a long awaited guest instead of a football ready to be passed around. I really liked this. I know I'm going to be tired, but I don't want to pass my 20 minute old daughter around the room even if it is to family. I want Kyle and I to have time to ourselves to welcome her as her parents and get to know her a little.
I have also thought a lot about people coming into town for the birth. Some people, like our siblings, grandparents, etc... we rarely get to see, so I really don't want them all coming for the same 2 or 3 days. I want to be able to spend time with them and for them to get to spend time with Leighton. If everyone is there at once then everyone gets a small slice of time. I know I will want help too because we'll be exhausted, but I don't want someone always taking her or being the one to change her or hold her when she cries. This is what I have been waiting to do and what we've worked so hard to get to.
On the other hand, I also don't want every weekend of my maternity leave to have people around. I want to be able to spend time as a family on the weekends.
Then I have gone so far as to make a list of the order that everyone gets to hold her! I know I know, crazy probably, but I worry that someone is going to get fussy or huffy about who gets her before them.
I have a lot of "I don't" statements in here, I know. I am really excited about having people come in and feel blessed that we have so many people that care and want to share in the experience with us. I would be offended if they didn't. It is a lot to think about though and I agree that this is your time, so don't be afraid to speak up. We have NO CLUE how we're going to feel once we get to that time,but we do know we're going to need help. So, I have no advice... obviously from this ramble. Just wanted you to know you're not crazy. However, it could just be that I'm crazy with you!
Oh yes, I forgot about where people are staying. We live in a one bedroom apartment and Leighton's room is actually the dining area and the space where we used to be able to put an air mattress now holds the kitchen table. We really don't have room for ANYONE to stay with us, but I have a feeling someone is going to want to. I'm very protective about having "our time" together as a family from the very beginning. I can't imagine the first time being alone just the three of us would be a week or so after she's born.
Ok, I think I'm done rambling now!
I think it's great that your family wants to be there and see her. I also am proud of you for already voicing your concerns and asking them to stay somewhere other than your house. You did the right thing there.
Honestly, I think you are going to be glad they are there in the beginning to HELP you with the transition. Because they will not be staying with you, you will be able to regulate what time they come each day to your house. You and Josh will be able to have some time alone with her, but you will also get to experience the pure JOY the grandparents will be feeling.
I hope that both of your families understand that when you visit a new momma and her baby, you are not visiting just to see the baby. The grandparents have a responsibility when they come to HELP you. They need to be ready to help you in whatever way you feel you need them. Whether it be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, whatever. They need to be rewarded after helping you by getting to hold and love on your baby. I think they will be more than happy to help you transition when they know that in return they get to meet and love their grandbaby and support you and Josh (whom they love dearly) in this new endeavor in your life.
I would say: think about it, but DON'T dwell on it. If you make your wishes known, I pray that they will honor them and everything should go smoothly. Good luck! It may even help to write down some things that are expected of them.
I would definitely ask anyone other than grandparents to wait for a little while to come visit.
Just my thoughts. I hope they are helpful.
JB
Ok I was checking in on you and saw this post. After reading it and the responses decided that you needed to hear from a mom and GP (grandparent) wanna-be.
I think that your concerns are very valid. Especially since you are dealing with mom's. Yes everyone wants to be there and they all want to hold her and play with her and take care of her. (now for the hard part) She is your responsibility, she needs to bond with you and Josh. The grandparents can do things like clean house, cook meals, let you nap and watch her, grocery shop, greet the visitors when you are napping. etc. They need to take care of you and let you take care of her.
When I had Justin, the moms came during the day and let me take a nap, they helped get dinner ready, made sure I ate and slept. When my husband got home they went to their hotels/homes. It was a huge help without invading or taking over! I was very grateful to them all.
I know that this is really hard but necessary. I recommend that you maybe have them in shorter increments so that they can all feel apart of this special time, but not over stay. ie. your mom for the first 3 days, then Josh's mom for 3 etc. (all time frames are adjustable depending on how the 3 of you are holding up. You will need more help if you end up having a C-section or something like that, so your "help needed" criteria will be need to be flexible)
Your new baby will have years to get to know her grandparents. She needs the first parts of her life with you and Josh.
What Courtney said she saw on Babycenter.com is priceless information, you won't want hours, but you will want at least 30 minutes of that alone time. Having your baby in your arms with no one but you and Josh is the most precious memory you will ever have. Then yes show her off! You worked hard to get her here.
God has given you a gift and now you are in charge of taking care of that gift, protecting her.
I know that all these parents will be loving and respectful of the boundaries you give. They all love you and want the 3 of you to be happy. Now what Josh will have to do is take pictures - lots of them - so that they can have their brag books.
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