Story

I wrote this on facebook about a month ago but had a request to post it here too - I also added on a little.

For those of you who don't know, my husband and I had a miscarriage in September. We found out we were pregnant again towards the end of February. We weren't able to ever really celebrate though because we quickly realized that something was wrong. We went to the doctor who said that there was a possibility that the pregnancy was ectopic (not in the uterus). I was supposed to get blood work done for a few days and then go back to the doctor. I never made it to that appointment because I ended up in the ER the next day. I went in because the pain got to be pretty bad. They gave me some medicine and did a ton of tests. The doctors saw a mass in my left falopian tube and because of the severity of my pain they decided to do emergency surgery because I was at risk to have the tube rupture. The did a laproscopic procedure as well as a D&C. So I now have 4 half inch to inch long scars on my abdomen.
During this process my husband was at an area wide youth group retreat that I had been planning on going to as well. My dear friend Melanie was there also and was able to drive Josh to Denver and to the hospital. He got there right before they took me in to surgery around 1am. The surgery should have been about an hour but after about 2hours the dcotor came out and said that it was a little more complicated than they originally thought. I was in the hospital for about 2 days. During that time my sweet husband slept in a terribly uncomfortable hospital chair and then took a week off work to stay home and take care of me. Melanie slept at our apartment wile we were still in the hospital. But she really didn't sleep, instead she cleaned, bought food to put in our fridge, bought me flowers and so many other things.
I will spare you the details but it was a very long painful recovery process that included an infection as a result of the surgery. For me, I was so focused on the physical struggle that I didn't think much about the emotional pain. Josh had to watch me suffer and I know he wished there was something he could do to make it all better. Once I was healthy Josh and I are started to feel the emotional and spiritual struggles even more. We were just mad at God. I am still so confused and frustrated as to why this happened to us not just once, but twice in the same year. I want to know why this happened, I want to know what God's plan is. I really believe that God will take care of me and that He is a God of compassion, love, joy and peace. But, I am still struggling with feeling that He has a plan and that things will be ok. It seems that as Christians we praise people who don't seem to ever doubt, struggle or get mad at God when trials come. Isn't it just as impotant to give each other permission to doubt, permission to admit that we don't understand God's plan, to admit that we are human and get mad or depressed when bad things happen? I still love God and believe all the things that I alway have...but I am angry. I wish there was another way things could have happened. I am beginning to doubt if it is in His plan that Josh and I have children at all. I get easily frustrated and upset and that make me frustrated with myself. I am feeling overwhelmed and undersupported at times and that is making me doubt my relationships. I know that there is hope. I know that Josh and I can cling to God and each other and get through this. I know that God can use this and use us to minister to others and to teach us things that we would not have learned before.

So to add on to that...we have been able to see more of how God is using this situation even though it is still a struggle. We have learned even more to stick together and be a team. We have gotten great support from our family and friends. Some families at our church even helped to make it possible for us to get away for a few days by ourselves. We had a great time in Taos NM being together and just relaxing.

Now we are trying to look forward to what the next step is and where we go from here. I have more to add but need to get back to work so that will have to be another day.