My journal

I started keeping a diary when I was 7. It would talk about boys I thought were cute, why I was mad at my mom etc. I stopped for a long time but started up again in middle school. The journal then became more of a prayer book as well as things that happened. This continued into high school. I had special journals for trips to Africa and summer camps also. In college this habit evolved again. At that point it was mostly sermon notes, song lyrics, quotes and doodles as well as some diary type entires. The style stayed like that until very recently when I experienced the ectopic pregnancy.

I remember I had been home only a few days and was in bed all day long. I picked up the journal and started writting. From that point on I wrote every night. Most of the time it was a mix of thoughts, feelings and a lot of prayers. Some of those prayers were really angry and upset, some were joyful as I felt like I was starting to heal. After a month or so I went back and reread some old entries. I realized that it skipped from pleading for the health of the baby when I found out there could be a problem to several days after the surgery and hospital stay. I decided to go back and write down the whole experince and story. It was hard to do that but also really helpful at the same time.

Last night I put that journal on the shelf and started a new one. It was a suprisingly challenging experience. That book in particular is filled with a whole range of notes, prayers, joys, challenges, experiences and dreams. That is a huge part of mine and Josh's life. I love starting a new book because of all the possibilities of what will fill its pages. God has truly done some great things in our lives lately. It is such a blessing to be able to write down thoughts and prayers and know that they are being heard by such a loving God even when I'm angry and upset. He has shown us that he really is the comforter, protecter, and healer.