Story

I wrote this on facebook about a month ago but had a request to post it here too - I also added on a little.

For those of you who don't know, my husband and I had a miscarriage in September. We found out we were pregnant again towards the end of February. We weren't able to ever really celebrate though because we quickly realized that something was wrong. We went to the doctor who said that there was a possibility that the pregnancy was ectopic (not in the uterus). I was supposed to get blood work done for a few days and then go back to the doctor. I never made it to that appointment because I ended up in the ER the next day. I went in because the pain got to be pretty bad. They gave me some medicine and did a ton of tests. The doctors saw a mass in my left falopian tube and because of the severity of my pain they decided to do emergency surgery because I was at risk to have the tube rupture. The did a laproscopic procedure as well as a D&C. So I now have 4 half inch to inch long scars on my abdomen.
During this process my husband was at an area wide youth group retreat that I had been planning on going to as well. My dear friend Melanie was there also and was able to drive Josh to Denver and to the hospital. He got there right before they took me in to surgery around 1am. The surgery should have been about an hour but after about 2hours the dcotor came out and said that it was a little more complicated than they originally thought. I was in the hospital for about 2 days. During that time my sweet husband slept in a terribly uncomfortable hospital chair and then took a week off work to stay home and take care of me. Melanie slept at our apartment wile we were still in the hospital. But she really didn't sleep, instead she cleaned, bought food to put in our fridge, bought me flowers and so many other things.
I will spare you the details but it was a very long painful recovery process that included an infection as a result of the surgery. For me, I was so focused on the physical struggle that I didn't think much about the emotional pain. Josh had to watch me suffer and I know he wished there was something he could do to make it all better. Once I was healthy Josh and I are started to feel the emotional and spiritual struggles even more. We were just mad at God. I am still so confused and frustrated as to why this happened to us not just once, but twice in the same year. I want to know why this happened, I want to know what God's plan is. I really believe that God will take care of me and that He is a God of compassion, love, joy and peace. But, I am still struggling with feeling that He has a plan and that things will be ok. It seems that as Christians we praise people who don't seem to ever doubt, struggle or get mad at God when trials come. Isn't it just as impotant to give each other permission to doubt, permission to admit that we don't understand God's plan, to admit that we are human and get mad or depressed when bad things happen? I still love God and believe all the things that I alway have...but I am angry. I wish there was another way things could have happened. I am beginning to doubt if it is in His plan that Josh and I have children at all. I get easily frustrated and upset and that make me frustrated with myself. I am feeling overwhelmed and undersupported at times and that is making me doubt my relationships. I know that there is hope. I know that Josh and I can cling to God and each other and get through this. I know that God can use this and use us to minister to others and to teach us things that we would not have learned before.

So to add on to that...we have been able to see more of how God is using this situation even though it is still a struggle. We have learned even more to stick together and be a team. We have gotten great support from our family and friends. Some families at our church even helped to make it possible for us to get away for a few days by ourselves. We had a great time in Taos NM being together and just relaxing.

Now we are trying to look forward to what the next step is and where we go from here. I have more to add but need to get back to work so that will have to be another day.

Another day at the office

I'm not sure how many of you know what I do...I am a foster care case manager. I work for a non-profit agency that works with adoptions and foster care. My job is to oversee the foster homes on my roster and be involved with the kids in those home. I have 7 homes and 19 placements currently.

This job is an ever-changing adventure. Right now I have a kiddo who is in the hospital. His foster mother and I took him to get a psych evaluation done after he had been in the home for 4 days and hadn't slept in 3. He was admitted under a psych hold and has been there for just over 2 weeks. We are now finding out a ton more about this case - his mom is disabled and mentally ill, he was in the hospital previously, and even though social services has been involved with his family before this poor kid has never gotten the help he needed because mom would move him when people started to get concerned.
He calls his current foster mom "Auntie" and his goal is to get back to her house. He is hopefully going to be discharged on Monday to her home. But before that could happen we had a pretty heated meeting yesterday.

Let me first just say that I think county workers generally do a good job for what they have to put up with. But sometimes they just stink. This caseworker did not tell us much info about the kid, did not return phone calls and then got mad and said I was overcommunicating when I was just trying to find out what was happening. Denver county has been going downhill lately and this meeting was just confriming that thought. The county would not take responsibility for anything and is just making life hard for the foster mom and this kiddo right now.

I will spare you the rest of the boring and confusing details but basically my job is rewarding, incredibly challenging at times and always interesting. I really love having a job and a career. I hope to be able to go back to school and get a license as a therapist. I'm thinking that I would like to continue to work with kids in the foster care system.

There is just such a need for good foster families. It's disheartening to hear how many kids still need foster placements and the thigns they have to live through until that happens. There aren't enough shelters, emergency homes, adoptive homes etc. I think this is a problem that while many people are aware of it, they don't get involved or motivated to help. Honestly, what I have come to realize is that middle to upper class familes, even Christian families, are seldom invested foster families. They seem to acknowledge the need but not get involved - whether that is out of fear and uncertainty of what will happen, or lack of desire or just lack of motivation - it is sad. The families that are good, consistent, hard working foster parents are most often from a minority culture and low economic household. Many are single or retired individually.

Yes, foster parents get reimbursed for their expenses and work but it isn't enough at all. If people are in this for the money they are sadly disappointed. Most of the families are in it because they think they can help a child. And they do help lots of children. Those kids may or may not grow up to have what many of us would consider a happy outcome, but they are better off than where they started. One of the most important things that foster parents can do is to teach these kids life skills that they never learned at home - budget, how to clean, how to do laundry, why school is important, etc. Some of the other invaluable lessons are that they can overcome obstacles, they are lovable and smart, that it is ok to be scared or sad but it's not ok to hurt people or be mean.

I know this is long and I am just rambling at this point but this is a topic that I feel strongly about. Most of the time the only press that foster care gets is when something bad happens. If you know anyone who is a foster parent - give them a hug, tell them they are doing a great thing. I would also encourage you to be a foster parent. I don't care if you are young, old, single, working, white, Japanese, poor, wealthy, a parent, retired, etc etc. You can be a foster parent - short term, long term, girls, boys, babies, teens, whatever. There are so many kids out there that need help. Yes, a lot of them are tough and challenging but ALL of them have been through things that no child should ever have to. They need support, love, rules and consistency.

Enough ranting....thanks for reading.

100 things about me...

1. I have the sweetest, most wonderful husband ever!!
2. Christmas time is one of my all-time favorite things.
3. When I was 8 I broke my arm and the bones came out – now I have a cool scar that I can make move in and out.
4. I hate to sleep in socks.
5. I eat chocolate cake crumbled up in a bowl of milk.
6. I still have my best friend’s order at Subway memorized – just in case.
7. I love to exercise.
8. Fresh flowers make me smile.
9. If I could go hiking or rock climbing every day I would.
10. My husband Josh gets nervous that I am not careful enough when I climb.
11. I love to snuggle in my bed with a book all day – especially if it is cold outside.
12. One of my favorite things to do is to make cards for people – I almost never buy them anymore.
13. Aspen trees are my favorite trees.
14. I have an aspen tree in the closet on our balcony. It’s been there for 2 years waiting for me to make candleholders out of it. 1
5. I love to drink water and I almost never drink any sodas.
16. Someday I would love to have a pearl necklace.
17. My husband taught me how to throw a football so I didn’t throw like a girl.
18. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister.
19. My brother Jeremy and I used to hate each other but now we are good friends and I love him!!20. My sister and I are both adopted.
21. I am allergic to cats and a ton of other things but cats are the worst.
22. I put on lotion a lot – I think it relaxes me.
23. I am the shortest one in my family (but the oldest kid)
24. I really enjoy cooking but am not as good at it as I would like to be.
25. I seldom cry in movies.
26. I would wear p.js or comfy clothes every day if I could.
27. I do still like dressing up though – it makes me feel pretty.
28. I like to try new things – especially foods and outdoor stuff.
29. I would probably move to Africa or Scotland tomorrow if given the chance.
30. I really want a dog.
31. I also want a rabbit. It would be awesome to have an exotic pet like a cheetah. When I was in Africa a lady had a cheetah as a pet –it rode in her car.
32. I was bitten by a lion cub in Africa.
33. I love antiques and walking around giant antique stores.
34. One of my favorite people to be around is Jackie Beth. We are very spontaneous together. 35. When I was little I could beat my brothers and all my boy cousins in a race and I was better at baseball then they were.
36. I still sleep with a Winnie the Pooh I have had since I was a baby. It has no fur, no ears and only one eye – but I love him.
37. I have never had a bloody nose (that I can recall).
38. I never had braces but I wish I would have because I really don’t like my teeth.
39. I really like to organize things. They don’t always stay that way, but at least I try.
40. Bugs don’t really bother me – except for roaches. They are gross.
41. I would love to go to Italy on a vacation.
42. My hair is naturally wavy/curly but I don’t wear it like that often. 43. I love the smell of lavender, citrus and bergamot.
44. I love to drink tea. I always drink black tea with milk – very British.
45. It would be great to decorate my apartment with a star or country theme.
46. I can’t wait to have a house so I can paint it. I don’t really like white walls.
47. I love old t.v. shows like Matlock, Murder She Wrote etc.
48. I used to love to talk on the phone but now I like it less.
49. I want to have kids, but also adopt as well.
50. My middle name is Dawn after my mom's younger sister who passed away as a teenager.
51. I love the color green.
52. When I was in Elementary School I started a Save the Rainforest Club and we put poster up around the school.
53. I don't like to write with gel, ball point pens.
54. I can't wait to be able to go to grad school.
55. I love jewlery but don't wear a lot of it. Maybe I would if I had more. I especially love James Avery.
56. I don't really have a favorite number.
57. I hav enever been skiing but would like to try.
58. I hate organizing tuperware.
59.I think I have pretty hands and feet - very feminine.
60. I recently got glasses.
61. I hate wearing thongs.
62. On our honeymoon Josh and I climbed Dunns River Falls in Jamacia.
63. We went on our honeymoon 2 months after our wedding.
64. My brother Sean used to call me Thunder Thighs - as I joke.
65. I absolutely cannot stand the smell of saurkraut.
66. Artichokes are one of my favorite foods. I ate them when I was little and loved them.
67. On my birthday my mom would make us any meal we wanted. I wanted lobsters and artichokes.
68. We would buy the lobsters live and let them crawl around on the floor before we ate them - cruel - I know.
69. Before I was adopted (as a baby) my birth mom named me Kara.
70.I love post -it notes.
71. I get obsessed with coupons - I love saving money.
72. I think Steve Nash is great.
73. Coloring is very therapeutic.
74. My husband once pulled my pants down in the hallway of our apartment building - not a sexual thing, just a joke.
75. I love to jog in the rain during summertime.
76. Up until my freshman year in college I wanted to be a profiler in the FBI.
77. I gave up on that dream because to get into the FBI you most likely needed a computer degree or a law degree.
78. I love to eat Cadbury eggs.
79. My sister and I have regularly scheduled "sissy time". The first Sissy Time was when she was in a bad mood and I burst into her room singing the Beattles song "Help".
80. I really enjoy to pay for the people behind me in the drive thru lane at fast food places, toll booths and Starbucks.
81. I plan on getting a tatoo this summer.
82. My husband and I have gone through 2 lost pregnancies in the past 6 months - the first was a miscarriage and the second was an ectopic pregnancy.
83. If I could swim or sit outside by the pool all day I would love it.
84. I hate sheets that are loose on the bed. I don't like them to get wrinkly or tangled.
85. My dad read me Sherlock Holmes stories and the Chronicles of Narnia before bed when I was little.
86. I think I have messy handwritting.
87. Josh has much neater handwritting than me.
88. My hair and fingernails grows super slow.
89. I was born in Amarillo, TX.
90. I have moved over 20 times.
91. I lived in Rhode Island for 5 years and moved when I was 8. I have only been back once since then.
92. I want to have boys. Girls would be ok but I want to be able to do all the hiking, camping, sports stuff.
93. When I was little I would throw a huge fit if I didn't have my hair done right or a dress on.
94. I love to read and I also read really fast so on a trip I end up taking several books.
95. I still enjoy watching Disney movies and singing the songs.
96. I collect tea cups. Recently a shelf broke in our apartment and almost half of them broke.
97. I don't really like shopping and just wandering around. I have to have something in mind.
98. I wish I was a better dancer.
99. I love to get massages.
100. This really wasn't that hard to do.

Quote

When I was in high school our Huddle Leaders at church gave us this quote that they had printed and laminated. I currently have it the bulletin board by my desk at work. I think it is a great reminder of how we need to be conscious of our choices every day.
As I was looking at it today I just thought that I would share it....

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.
- Author Unknown

What a crazy weekend

My weekend was frantic! I was in charge of the program at our annual Women's Tea on Saturday. I was also speaking at the tea. There was lots of prep work but it all got done. I have realized that I get pretty frustrated when people complain and complain about things but don't offer to help. It was a learning expereince to help plan this event and realize not only how much work goes into it but also how hard (impossible) it is to please everyone or even avoid making people mad.

Anyway, the topic that I spoke about was joy. I started out by sharing several things that bring me joy - flowers, rock climbing, my pooh bear, Starbucks, Africa, my family etc. Then instead of talking about how to have joy in times of suffering I directed the talk to be about the joy that we bring to God. I think this is a topic that is not mentioned as often as it should be. I read Eph. 2:10 "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works with God prepared in advance for us to do." I talked about that the greek word for workmanship, poima, and that masterpiece is a better translation of that.

That is so powerful to me, that we are GOD'S MASTERPIECE. We are the best that He created. The verse goes on to talk about how there are good works that he prepared in advance for us to do. I think those are things like being loving, forgiving, gracious, servants etc. But it is also indiviudualized - He has things that He planned for me to do to honor and glorify Him. Wow.

Well, the tea went well. My friend Melanie Larson came from Colo Springs and spent the weekend with Josh and I after the tea. The next day, Sunday, was the night that there was a Comedy Show at church. My husband has spent months planning this. Last year was the first Comedy night and Bob Smiley came. Josh planned it so it would be an outreach event to bring friends to. I think almost anythign would seem like a let down because last year was so successful but this one was ok. Not quite as successful, but ok. We had the group 321 Improv come. They were hilarious!!! Josh worked so hard on this and I'm so glad it went well.

He does such a great job at not only being involved in the youth group but planning events for and being involved in the body as a whole as well. He really is taken advantage of and underpaid. It really shows me that this is about his heart and his ministry more than prestige or a pay check. What a great example of being a servant and having a vision for God's people.

It was a fun but exhausting time. I loved seeing my sweet friend Melanie. Friends are truly healing in a lot of ways.

Here we go...

I have attempted to start a blog before and never really got into it. Hopefully this time it will work out. I think the problem was that I never really felt like I had much to say. I'm not sure if that has changed but I will give it a try.

My husband Josh and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and have been in Denver for almost 4 years exactly. We moved here because Josh accepted the position as the youth minister at University Church of Christ. It has had its ups and downs but we are grateful to be here.

I work at Adoption Alliance as a foster care case manager. That means that I monitor a caseload of foster homes and the children in those homes. I work with a great team of people. We have decided that you have to be able to be sarcastic and laugh at things that really aren't that funny or else you will never make it in this field. It is challenging but also very rewarding.

I'm sure there are lots of other things to say right now. But I should be responsible and get back to work.

Hopefully there will be more posts coming if I can really get into this!!