Songs of my life

I have decided that lately songs have describing my feelings more of how I am feeling that I am able to. Tomorrow is my last day at Adoption Alliance. Josh will pick me up from work and we will leave from here to drive to Texas. I'm really doing ok for the most part. Sad to say goodbye to awesome, selfless foster families and precious, hilarious children who have overcome more than I can imagine. I am also sad to say goodbye to my great foster care team, especially Jennifer and Courtney - I will laugh quite a bit less now, but I am determined to stay in touch with them.

Anyway, here of some of the songs that can read my mind lately....

Everything by Telecast:
"When the world comes crashing down around my feet
And I can't see ten feet in front of me
Jesus, I know that you are strong when I am weak
So please help me, allow you to be
My everything


No matter what this day will bring
I will lift my hands and sing
Oh be my everything
I'll make my life an offering
In you alone, I believe
Oh be my everything,
My everything "

 Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar:
"Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord"
 
Pork and Beans by Weezer:
"I'm gonna do the things that I wanna do, I ain't got a thing to prove to you. 
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans, 
excuse my manners if I make a scene. 
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like. 
I'm fine and dandy with me inside. 
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink, 
I don't give a hoot about what you think"

Chicken Fried: Zac Brown Band
"And its funny how it`s the little things in life that mean the most
Not where you live, what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind; this I`ve come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast
To a little bit of chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love "

  
Everything by Lifehouse:
"Find me here, and speak to me. 
I want to feel you, I need to hear you. 
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again. 

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose. My everything."


There's more but that's enough for now.

Addie's birthday is in less than a month and I still can't believe she is almost a year! Josh is done with the summer and except for a few conferences he is home for awhile. I am applying for jobs and will get to file for unemployment on Wednesday.

That's about all that is going on.
 

Job

I really don't know where to start. My next planned blog entry was going to be about Josh's Honduras trip. Then Monday happened. I walked into work ready for the day and about an hour into it my supervisor asked to talk with me. I went to her office and our weird, annoying Executive Director was there too. She politely told me that because the agency was so in the red that my position was being cut and that I had a two week notice which was really a one week notice since I was going on vacation next week. I held it together pretty good until the end when I thought about saying goodbye to my families and kids that I work with.

I had a doctor's appointment scheduled and they told me to go to that and then take the day off. Instead, after my appointment I came back and met Courtney and Jennifer (my foster care team) for lunch. Jennifer's hours got cut from 40 to 24 also. Courtney is the case aide/admin person. We were all confused as to my it was my position since (not to toot  my own horn) I'm not the newest person, I have a full case load, and I have a skill set and resources that no one else on the team or even in the agency does. It doesn't make sense that it would be my position when there is another person on our team who doesn't have a nearly full case load and doesn't do all the extra stuff I do like teaching training classes etc. When we asked those questions we were given shady answers so it seems like something else is going on which makes it even worse that they aren't just being upfront. Over and over again my supervisor who I really like and our Ex. Director praised my job performance and what I have done for the department and said it wasn't a factor in the decision but when I asked what was they wouldn't tell me.They would just say it involved other people and they could divulge that information.

I keep telling myself there is no point is dwelling on that stuff because it won't change anyone's mind. Yesterday I had to tell 3 of my families goodbye at meeting I already had scheduled. One foster mom that I have had since I first started at Adoption Alliance (she is an older retired woman who takes tough kids) started crying. To me, this isn't just a job. I care so much about this families and the kids they take in. I want the best for them, I will wonder what happened, I want to make sure that someone is fighting for them. I am worried about the financial implications of no job but I'm really upset about the emotional impact right now. I could have done this job forever.

I love my job. It's a huge part of my identity. I am already looking for something else because I enjoy it so much. I'm good at it. I'm good at walking along side kids and families, hearing their struggles, helping the kids find permenancy, and working to help them grow and change. 

This is Leslie - a sweet girl I worked with who was adopted by her foster family!

This is Leslie and her brother Jordan at Jordan's Tae Kwan Do Belt Ceremony. I love these kids!


I am trying so hard to believe that God has a bigger plan for all this. I just want to see it. I want to see the whole picture. I don't want to be angry or depressed. I want to be hopeful. I want to reflect God in this.

It's OVER

I have officially finished my 7th summer as a youth ministry widow. In fact, my sweet husband gave me a card and a gift certificate for a day of rock climbing in honor of that.

Really, I was thinking that this summer in particular was going to be the hardest one yet but it wasn't at all. If I do say so myself, I did well with Addie by self and I had lots of help from Connie and my mom. The biggest challenge this summer was that instead of Josh being gone a week, home a week, gone a week etc. he was gone for two weeks, home a week, gone another week and half. Two weeks was the longest time he has been away in one chunk, especially since Addison has been a part of our family.

Josh had some awesome experiences this summer and I wish I could have been a part of them - I guess in a way I was. This year's Kadesh theme was HOPE. My favorite. This was the theme the first year that I was a camper and the first year that I was a counselor. It has a huge part in why we picked Addison's middle name. It has played a huge part in my life in general. When I was a camper I left the day after Kadesh to go to Africa for the first time and on the way home from Africa 3 weeks later got very (deathly) ill. I remember vividly laying in my hospital bed in Chicago where the plane had to do an emergency landing and thinking that if I died it would be ok because I had no doubts that I would go to heaven. What I had learned about Hope was so real to me. That experience changed much of my faith and outlook of life.

Hope again played a huge role in my life when Josh and I struggled with miscarriages. I have been waiting for the Kadesh theme to come back around and was upset that I couldn't make it this year but in a way it's probably better. Josh was able to talk, on Addison's 9 month birthday, about my story of Hope and how it's important to me and how it has played a part in how we named her.

There was some youth group drama at Kadesh over kids bringing cell phones and being mad and Josh for taking them up so they could focus on camp - oh the life of a youth minister.....

After Kadesh, Josh went directly to OC for Cornerstone with a few high school counselors and some adults from Denver drove the MS campers there. It was a good week for him to be with friends but hard to be away for so long.

It was great when he finally came home - Addie was so much bigger and moving around so much more! She had started actually crawling quickly and getting into things right as he left so I had to begin to adjust to the more mobile baby by myself. He was amazed at how much difference two weeks made.

So, that's the first part of the summer - the other big thing was the mission trip to Honduras which I will have to write about later since I should be working right now.

Even though it's challenging at times, I am so very blessed to be the wife of a youth minister. I love to see his passion for teens, even when he is frustrated with them. I love that I grow to love these kids and that I get to be a part of their lives. I am excited to see Addison continue to grow up around the youth group and these kids that love her so much. I am excited to teach her that even when her dad leaves a lot in the summers its because he is spreading God's love to others and we should be proud of him and pray for him. I want her to develop of love of ministry just like Josh.

Totally Overwhelmed

I have tried to sit down and blog almost every day recently and my brain has been on total overload. Last week I had a really bad week at work. I mean, bad! It was pretty emotional. I worked 17 hours on Wednesday and 12 hours on Thursday. There was a crisis in one of my foster homes that was really stable - one of the boys did something he shouldn't have and the parents no longer felt safe having him in the home and so he and his younger brother had to leave. In the process of all this we had search and rescue and about 50 volunteers out searching the hill country and land where the foster parents live. I can't really go into details but I was an emotional wreck for a few days. To top it off, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't turn my brain off.

I love my job and I love the work that I do. Overall it is rewarding and I work with some fantastic foster families. I love being able to take kids that other people may have written off and helping them succeed or at least do more than they have previously. Sometimes its not about amazing, news worthy success stories, it's just about growth and changes they make. Anyway....as much as I enjoy my job I have been really burnt out the last few weeks. It could be that it's a combination of work, not really taking care of myself and Josh being gone among other things. Things have also been stressful at the agency because of finances and money. We don't have as many kids in placement as we need to in order to meet our budget and the adoption departments are short as well. I have an AWESOME team that I work with - I love these ladies and they are great friends as well as co-workers. So, I'm hopefully that all of this work chaos will straighten itself out soon.

It has caused me to question a little bit about if I am doing the right thing being involved in a career that is so emotional draining and time consuming. But I honestly can't imagine doing anything else. I could see myself making money with crafts and sewing if I do take some time off work later, but I still want to be involved with social work. It's what I do and a big part of who I am.

I feel like I'm rambling so enough about work.

My mom has been here taking care of Addie for 2 weeks and everyone involved has loved it! Grammy and Grampy have loved this time  Addison and I know it's been special for them. I am loving how attached Addie is to Mom and Larry. She cries when they leave and she has so much fun with them! She loves to play with their dog Sandy and gets jealous when Sandy is in Grampy's lap and she isn't (Sandy gets jealous of Addie too). It really has been an awesome few weeks. Grammy and Grampy will leave this week but will stay in Colorado until her birthday. They will be in several different mountain campgrounds enjoying Colorado.

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The shoes in the pic where Addie is on the stairs were mine when I was little! Just a random bit of info.....